Wouldn’t it be great if everyone got along with everyone else? Sadly in life we don’t take to everyone we meet and vice versa.

I also know that relating to others can feel a bit like tap dancing in a minefield. Most people learn from experience that, despite your best intentions, you can unintentionally trigger unexpected sensitivities in others. Yet, over-sensitivity can also make us too cautious and polite at times.

In a work setting I find the tendency for us to label some people as ‘difficult’ a very fascinating topic. Where some people feel they have made an effort yet don’t feel they are being listened to or perhaps shown respect, they often conclude that the other person is being ‘difficult’.

Look into the cause, not the specifics

I see two potential interpretations of the word ‘difficult’ in this scenario. Firstly, it can imply that the person is deliberately acting in an unhelpful way. Yet in my experience, most people do not set out to be ‘difficult’. The second meaning is that the person who is labelling someone else as difficult is acknowledging that they are at a loss as to how to relate to or influence that person. I believe the essence of finding ways around difficulties relating to others lies in analysing the cause of the difficulties.

Let’s begin by looking at the ‘difficult’ person from the point of view of the person who is being seen as difficult. I’ll use myself as an example. One of my managers told me a few years after we had stopped working together that I gave him sleepless nights because he could not figure out how to manage me.

He had been schooled in the importance of ‘hands on’ observation of his staff, to monitor and maintain standards, so he wanted to sit in on a training programme I was running; I could think of nothing worse. My confidence can be quite brittle, and being ‘observed’ meant evaluation to me.

I knew, despite his best intentions, that his presence would raise my anxiety levels and make it very hard for me to perform well. So I explained this to him and he still insisted on ‘sitting in’. I guess this was where I became ‘difficult’ because my reply was that if he came in, I would leave, and hand the group over to him.

If you label someone as difficult, you are actually saying that you don’t know how to communicate or problem-solve with that individual. You have reached a point where you feel everything you have tried has failed. So the first thing to do is to ‘stop digging’ and find fresh alternatives. What about seeking help? Pride can sometimes be a stalling factor here.

Secondly, you need to enter into a conversation that analyses the cause of the ‘breakdown’, and try to address this, rather than continuing to wrangle over the specifics. In my case I felt my manager was refusing to listen to my concerns. He did not seem to acknowledge them or show any empathy. He tried to use power and authority to make me comply, however if he knew me better, he would have known that was the least effective strategy to use if he wanted a positive outcome.

The issue became a battle over who was going to get their own way (WIN: LOSE) rather than agreeing what we were trying to achieve and to find a workable solution (WIN: WIN). We weren’t even practising what we preached!

It’s a matter of personality

Addressing the issue from a different perspective, experience has taught me that the so-called “Golden Rule” of treat others as you yourself would like to be treated is a recipe for failure. It comes down to personality. As one person put it to me the other day, “I like to use an almost autistic approach to communication, don’t dress it up, or weaken the message. I like that kind of response from others too”. Yet that person was working with a number of people who were hungry for praise and disliked conflict.

You can see how that was working out. The first person was seen as difficult and problems never got resolved because, even though that person’s colleagues were bright, capable individuals, they sat on their feelings (feedback) rather than telling them straight about the unhelpful impact of their approach.

I heard a pearl of wisdom from a very experienced executive the other day who said. “I’ve been thinking about me and how I relate to people and generally I find that many of the traits I find hard to deal with in others are actually traits that I have myself.” Does this sound like you?

Who exactly is being ‘difficult’?

I was listening to a very exasperated director once who had built a team around her to free her up so that she could make a more strategic contribution to the growth of the business. Rather than work with the team to achieve success in the face of some business difficulties, she took back complete control and handled everything herself, asking, “Why am I surrounded by such useless people?” Need I say more?

Where people are not ‘difficult’, life and work can be a lot easier and potentially more rewarding. However beware! If you surround yourself with compliant people where is the spark, the synergy, the challenge, the innovation, the excitement?

Here is my 4 step strategy for overcoming the ‘difficult’ people conundrum

Firstly treat people as they would like to be treated. Match the way you communicate to their preferences rather than your own. Do you know their preferences? Do you know what kind of feedback they like and how they’d like it to be delivered? Do you know how to get the best out of them or what treatment will provoke a negative reaction?

Secondly, promote a culture of candour. You cannot problem-solve with people unless you can obtain an unvarnished understanding of their views, feelings and beliefs. It’s not easy to achieve candour, and if you have rank on your side, that can add to the difficulties; you have to make time to simply get to know people really well. You need to encourage people to ‘speak truth to power’.

Thirdly, seek not just to communicate, but to actually achieve understanding. If you want agreement you have to build acceptance of viewpoints through understanding and finding the ‘Win:Win’ solution; acceptance comes from sound discussion, not the batting back and forth of differing points of view.

Finally, above all build trust. Trust helps people to be open, thus creating a virtuous circle. Open up to others and be prepared to share things about yourself, to create an inclusive culture.

Take time to understand

You can only overcome difficulties by understanding them. I have often heard managers say, “We are a very busy organisation, we don’t have time for ‘fluffy’ conversations”. However, consider this: do you have time for a series of discussions that fail to resolve issues over and over again and to cope with the fall out when things go wrong?

If you do find yourself at odds with someone, stop discussing the specifics and move instead to exploring the interpersonal dynamics, to understand the problem at that level.

In a hierarchy, ‘difficult’ people may be a nuisance, but perhaps because they are simply saying things you’d rather not hear. If people are disgruntled, seek to understand why. If you hold the power in a difficult relationship, you also hold the power to transform things for the better. Remember too that they may not be being difficult at all – just different from yourself.